Baby advice that I actually wanted to hear

“You better get your sleep now, while you can get it!”

I can’t say how many times someone said that to me or my husband during the public phase of my pregnancy. It was a lot. Dan, I think, hated it the most.

“What the hell are we supposed to do? Take that sleep and deposit it in some bank that we can withdraw it from when we need it later?” he asked once, indignantly. I agreed, but I was getting so much advice — much of it unhelpful and nearly all of it unsolicited — that I didn’t have the energy to react anymore (especially by Month Eight).

Over the past couple of weeks, I learned some folks near and dear to me are expecting their first children, and I find myself in the strange new position of pregnancy/motherhood sage. I don’t want to give annoying advice, but because my little one will be nine months old in two weeks and the experience is pretty fresh in my mind, I have some that might be useful. Here’s what I wish someone had told me about this wild little ride.

Pregnancy

Listen to your body

I didn’t have many of the proverbial symptoms of pregnancy, like morning sickness, heartburn, and swollen ankles. But I had plenty of my own, like migraine headaches I couldn’t medicate and frequent, overwhelming fatigue. Each pregnancy hits each person differently. No book, nor website, nor Instamom can tell you what’s normal for you or how you should deal with it. Listen to your body and decide for yourself what you need. Whether it’s sleep, medicine, foot rubs, sparkling water on ice, whatever — ask for it, and don’t feel bad about doing so.

Call your doctor whenever you feel like you should (even if it’s just for peace of mind)

I’m an anxious person by nature, so every strange ache, pain, or spot in my underwear had me wondering if I was having a miscarriage. I’d stare at my phone in my hand and ask, “Should I call the doctor? Or am I just being stupid?” More often than not, I made the call. Three times, my symptoms concerned the doctor enough that they asked me to come in for an emergency appointment (each time, I went home no worse for the wear). The rest of the time, they could tell from the details I shared that I was fine. Whether in person or by phone, my doctors assured me I wasn’t overreacting, that it’s their job to answer my questions. In retrospect, every call I made was worth it.

Find a therapist

You can’t fully understand the biological, emotional, financial, and logistical challenges of having a child until you live those challenges. Finding an expert can help equip you with the psychological resources you need to navigate this new life. This is important not just for you but also for your child and, if you have one, for your partner. Look at what kind of mental health treatment your insurance covers, then see which therapists in your area take that insurance. It takes some time to find a therapist who takes your insurance and with whom you feel comfortable, so if this is a route you’re interested in, take care of this before your child arrives.

Spend time alone

Read, write, run, watch movies — hell, sleep, if that’s what you feel like doing. Just do it. Because unless you’re planning on having live-in childcare via a nanny or in-laws, your ability to do things for you and you alone will approach zero after your baby’s born (and for a while after that. I’m still trying to figure it out). So make sure you prioritize the things you want to do before you’re due.

If you can, I highly, highly recommend a babymoon. Preferably somewhere where you can float on an enormous flamingo in a virtually empty pool while reading a book.

Spend time with your partner

Similarly, finding time with your partner, just the two of you, is like playing logistical Jenga once you have a kid. There’s your work schedule and their work schedule and daycare drop-off and pick-up and chores and the dog and … by the time that’s all done, you’re exhausted. Before baby arrives, think about the things you like to do together that require money and/or time and/or travel — and plan to do as many of them as you can.

Don’t prepare for *everything*

Yes, it’s worth reading books, signing up for classes, and, in general, understanding how birthing a baby actually works. But it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the mass of information out there about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and early parenthood. It’s also easy to get confused by the often conflicting advice offered by different schools of thought. Decide the amount and kind of information you need to feel prepared and when you reach that point, stop. Understand that some things are best learned through experience. Breathe. Then revisit the previous two pieces of advice in this list.

Early parenthood

Ask a lot of questions in the hospital/birthing center/of your delivery partner

Whether they’re doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas, birth companions, or lactation consultants, they’re on your payroll. I gave birth via emergency C-section, so we had extra nights in the hospital. I used the services of the hospital’s lactation consultants at least five times a day. On multiple occasions, I asked the nurses for lessons in swaddling. I literally took notes after one of the nurses gave my son his first bath. There are no questions too stupid. There are no favors too big to ask. As long as you’re feeling up to it, maximize the time you have access to these professionals.

Let yourself feel

When TJ was about two weeks old, I got weepy realizing my pregnancy was really over. I didn’t love being pregnant but I liked the anticipation and imagining of those last few weeks. And now they were over. I felt an intense sadness — and worse, I felt bad about being sad. I needed to learn that early motherhood is a t r i p. Your hormones are going nuts. Your sleep schedule is bizarre. There are a lot of feels. Let yourself feel them, and be nice to yourself as you work through them.
(Sidenote: If those feelings drift into anything like harming yourself or your baby, those particular feelings require professional help, and help is available. Please ask for it, immediately.)

Do one thing each day, just for you

Except for the day my son was born, I made a point to take a shower every single day of my maternity leave. Those five or so minutes were my time. When my mom went home three weeks after we returned from the hospital, those minutes were often my only me-time. It wasn’t much, but it was something — and something is better than nothing during those hazy first few weeks.

Consult your network, not Dr. Google

This sounds obvious, but when it’s 9 p.m. and your child has been crying nonstop since noon, it’s shockingly easy to type “six weeks old crying uncontrollably for hours symptoms” into the search window, hit enter, and open up a rabbit hole of horror stories. Instead, ask people you know who’ve been down the new-parent road before. Best-case scenario? They have some lived-through advice to share. Good-case scenario? They know someone who does. Worst-case scenario? They don’t have anything to share — but they also won’t scare you shitless.

Also, remember the advice to call your doctor whenever you feel you need it during pregnancy? It applies to your pediatrician’s office once your kid’s born. Most have after-hours call lines staffed to answer your questions days, nights, holidays, and weekends. Do not feel like a hypochondriac for calling often. You’re a first-time parent — and they deal with your kind all the time!

Do not compare

Some babies talk early and walk late. Others crawl at five months but don’t speak until they’re 2 years old. It’s easy to look at kids your child’s age and notice where your child does and doesn’t measure up. If you find yourself predisposed to noticing the latter, do what you need to do to avoid fixating. Reducing your social media use can help. So can avoiding or dropping out of mommy groups that cause you stress. Focus on your child and your lived experience, and you’ll find unique parts of your relationship that bring you both joy.

It’s important to document milestones in your baby’s life, but make sure you’re living them, too. How else will you remember what it felt like the first time your kid slapped you in the face?

Take photos and videos — then put your phone away

I love that I can document my son’s every milestone from the convenience of my phone, then share it with our family and friends across the world with the push of a button. But many times I catch myself watching my son’s life through a screen instead of in living color in front of me. I’ve tried to find a balance — snap a few photos or take a short video, then put the phone away. There’s value in capturing those fleeting moments for posterity, but what’s the point if can’t access the feelings in my memory so those photos and videos have meaning?